Earlier this morning I had a few drinks with my best friend (Brad) and his partner (Bryann) in Tides, a grill not far from our place. It has been a tradition, well for any friends I supposed, to do some catching up and reflection about absolutely everything that's happening in each other's lives and the issues as well the problems whenever they got the time. And it's always, of course, my best friend which I love discussing my stories the most. He may be one of the few who really knows me, with or without make up on.
Lately I've been really wondering what I have become and what I have turned others into. Like, seriously, I think 2011 still haunts me. Every memory and bad choices I 'd made during the past years seem to be lingering with me all along. Even though I have made a deal with myself to have a fresh start this 2012, I just can't undo the past, well no one can't. I mean I just can't let it go. It follows me, whenever I do things. For second chances, I'm still always surprised.
I wasn't been the perfect plan for new beginnings, just the better idea most of the time. Sugar coated pandemonium and heart shaped promises filled up my previous years of propelling to greater heights. The beginnings I have fully embraced didn't worked out the way I anticipated them to be. As a result, they remained to be the reminder or the regret... or the shadow of any new path I'm trying to take. Brilliant at first, misguided in the middle, lost by the end.
Brad and Bryann let me recall the two sides of myself. The current setting of my story and the last chapters they have seen for a while. I wasn't completely aware that I have embarked myself in a long twisted journey of tangled hopes and fallacies until they explained to me where they think I am standing at the moment. I'm in the middle of a clash between what I have to do for myself and what I need to do for the benefit of others. They gave me the opportunity to figure out the things I have compromised unaware. What used to be the legit suddenly became the mayhem I'm trying to cover up, all these time.
I don't have the right choices today about these all new beginnings. Only the fuel. The motivation to keep on moving. Whether the past continues to follow my new decisions, might as well I stick to this determination to fight. After all, I am never alone. I need to fight this battle. Whatever the output, it will all be for the foundation of a stronger heart. A braver, independent mind. There is a war all around me that needs those two to function, full time.
I might see the errands of this for now, a fairly nice cross stitched portrait. Neat in front, messed up in the back. And New Year's just on Page 9 today. I think I still have the time to do the resolutions.
I'll keep the devils posted.
Got to go.
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